Solo, Unplugged and Breaking through!

We all have two characters in this world.

The person we are on the inside and the person we are on the out. As the lyrics in the musical Jekyll and Hyde say it best, "It's all part of the Façade. There's a face that we hide… and what's hiding inside behind all of our fears, is our true self, locked inside the facade."

I'm about to talk about a completely different facade than the musical, but if you ask me, it's all the same. We have the person we put off for everyone to see, but on the inside, that's not always our true self. We have what I would call our media face and our real one. That's the facade I'm actually talking about.

The truth is, I've found myself living that facade more than a few times in the past year. If I'm being honest, as I thought about writing this blog post for the past week, this was not the direction I originally intended, but for some reason, my heart and mind kept bringing me back here. However, I guess the transparency here is necessary to understand why I ended up on the trip in the first place. If you'd rather hear about the journey, feel free to skip to "Let me tell you about the trip of a lifetime!" But I hope you'll listen to what I have to say.

If you look at my personal Instagram or talk to me in person, one could say I'm living my best life.

To a point, they aren't wrong.

Every day is like a mini vacation. But the reality is, I'm beyond broken inside. And maybe I'm just out here chasing things that don't exist. The brokenness can probably be traced back to about a year ago (or longer), about the time I was on "my deathbed" with Covid. Shortly after, it was like things progressively went downhill. Though I was starting a new job, life around it was falling apart. Relationships went downhill, toxic job environments I was dying to get out of, and none other than winter depression. Over time much of that healed and was becoming much better, or so I thought. Between apologizing, a great new job, excellent FL weather, and church life, things started improving significantly.

Until two and a half months ago, almost to the day…

I honestly should have seen the warning signs God kept throwing in my face, but I thought He was showing me that I was finally breaking out of the mental storm I had been in, and not about to enter a full-on hurricane. Thanks, Big Guy, for the heads up. That ironic story is for another day. I already have too much to say here.

Have you ever been living a life where you sit back and think, "I must be living in a movie"? Then in 30 minutes, you're living an absolute nightmare? No? Okay, just me.

In a matter of time, everything began spiraling yet again, and I was all alone in a dark hotel room with all my belongings, drink in hand, tears running down my face, a flight waiting to be caught, and the negative voices began again. At that moment, there was only one place I wanted to be, and it wasn't that room or alone. I will say, thanks to technology, the ones I needed were right there immediately.

Over the last two months, I've pushed out and hurt so many people in my life because of my hurts and pains. Not only did I lose the job I cared for greatly, I lost a family, relationships, friends, and what feels like so much more. In all of it… the common denominator… ME.

I can't help but feel like I'm the problem with the situations of the past and the present. I hope that those I hurt will one day forgive me and talk.

The overwhelming questions that run through my mind sit because, apparently, communication is something of the past. Instead, we just put on the façade and say we don't want to talk. But meanwhile, as an overthinker, my mind doesn't stop:

What have I done wrong?

Why me?

Why this?

Am I really the problem?

Is there anything that I can do to fix these relationships?

Feelings? What feelings?

Faking it? What does that even mean?

Not there for you, how?

Was any of it real?

Did the friendships/relationships mean anything?

Am I that bad of a friend/ person?

Were we ever even friends?

Do they even miss me?

Is it all a lie?

Was my judgment call wrong?

Did I care or love too much?

Did I do something else wrong?

Can I fix all of this?

Will the pain ever go away?

How can I move on?

Where am I supposed to be?

Is there love out there for me, or am I destined to be alone?

Why does everyone leave?

AHHHHH!!!

Stop the noise!!! Stop replaying the conversations and events in my head!

People were asking questions, Instagram stories and posts, snaps, locations, jealousy, bitterness, QUESTIONS, and so much more! Stop waiting for a text or call that's never going to come. My heart is ripping more and more everyday. Make it stop!

I just wanted the overwhelming noise to stop! But there came a moment of realization…

I'M NOT OKAY, AND THAT'S OKAY!

When I realized this, I knew what I needed to do for my health and mental stability. I needed to GO.

Unplug and go.

Go anywhere and heal. Leave everything for a moment. In a way, find me and stop the noise just for a minute. Patch the pain and heal. Figure out what's next and see what God is trying to teach me.

For a week–almost two weeks–that's just what I did.

Let me tell you about the trip of a lifetime!

Honestly, this is what the blog was initially supposed to be about.

I packed my car, told no one (besides maybe two people, in case I died), and drove. My phone was put on personal mode, and I logged out of ALL my media and even deleted some. That's when the solo unplugged breakthrough trip began.

OH-KY-MD-NY-MA-ME-NY-MD-OH and 40+ hours of driving.

The Driving

The common question I've been asked upon my return, "How did you drive that much? Please tell me you listened to music, podcasts, or called people?" The answer is no. I remember trying to listen to music once, but I couldn't.

Music, oddly enough, surfaced a lot of feelings. So instead, I let my mind wander. I thought about the past, the present, and the future. I played out conversations in my head (weird, maybe, but it helped). I watched the beautiful scenery out my windows and just lived in the moment.

My phone, meanwhile, sat in the passenger seat, only notifying me when to turn. When I chose to listen, that is. Believe it or not, you can work out many things while driving in complete silence. You should try it.

The Game

After leaving my family in Kentucky and napping in MD, I headed out to NYC or Boston, wherever my car decided to stop. As I was getting close to NYC, I quickly stopped at a rest area. I had been en route to the Statue of Liberty for a detour. It had been a while since I had been in the city, and I figured I was right here, so maybe I could get some of my National Parks stamps and enjoy the city a little. Picturing a perfect afternoon taking the ferry to Ellis Island, having a picnic, and heading out. As I walked back to my car, I thought, "Hmm, what are the chances that the NY Mets would be playing here today and I could knock another stadium off my list?" Little did I know that they weren't just playing at home, but they were playing against the Washington Nationals (my second favorite team) at the exact time I would be arriving in the city. Immediately I re-routed and headed to the game!

Mets fans are certainly different! They are pretty fun. Families and friends were tailgating in the parking lot, people yelling “hot dog” in a NY accent, and so much more. The stadium was so alive that day. The music and crowd were so energized! Cheering even as my Nationals kicked their butts. I only got picked on a little for wearing a nationals shirt in a stadium filled with blue and orange. At least I wasn't the only one; at least 5 of us were there.

As I sat alone for another game in the upper deck this season, I started to choke up a little. I was so happy yet longing for so much more simultaneously. As I witnessed those around me having the time of their life here, I was all alone for the third time this season. I need to stop going to games alone; they would be way more fun with friends, and I honestly can't wait for the day when I have my own family to enjoy the game with.

Driving away from the game, I realized while I was drowning in my pity and sitting silently at the game, I may have missed an opportunity to love. But also, maybe I didn't. Two guys, probably in their late thirties, sat behind me. They poked fun at me for my shirt after I didn't cheer for a Nats homer. Truthfully I didn't even notice these guys at first. Like I knew they were there, but (as rude as this is going to sound) they weren't the type of people I typically talk to. As they spoke to me, I pulled up my favorite call list truthfully, thinking I'd need a way out. Most people would have probably ignored them, but I decided it's not the outside I should be judging. These two noticed me, and we had a good conversation about baseball. By the end of the game, they reminded me of those characters in the movies; you know, the random geeky friends that probably never played baseball in their lives, got picked on in school by the jocks, but have a solid love for the game. That was these two guys, and they probably just needed someone else to talk to that day.

Last year I was that person that thrived to love everyone in my path. To wake up each day and ask God, "Who am I going to love today?”

Somewhere, I lost that person.

I was scared to let people in. Maybe those guys just happened to be the reminder I needed to find that person again.

The game was an excellent start to my trip. The rain came out of nowhere and soaked me on the way to my car. A rainbow appeared over the stadium as I drove away from the field. It was almost like a little sign of hope that this trip would be great—the next stop, Boston.

The Hotel

I'm not sure why, but I've never really liked hotels by myself, but here I was about to be alone for the third time at a hotel, and little did I know, a total mental breakdown was about to hit me.

Finally, I arrived after driving hours in the rain, and it was like entering another country. No one spoke English, which was awkward. Who would have thought that eating a particular type of chicken strips alone in a hotel room could cause you to cry uncontrollably? Not me. Well, if you know the reason behind the tears there, then you know. I'm not going to get too far into it, but I was missing some people to share those chicken strips with. I hadn't planned on stopping for the night in Boston, but I think God knew I needed to have that meal in that hotel room to start the healing process I was on the trip for. I'm very thankful for that stop.

After a good night's rest, I spent a rainy morning exploring Boston. Having tea at the Boston tea party site at Abigail's tea room while watching a reenactment of the Boston tea party was honestly so cool! From there, I went to Castle Island, where I thought I was watching whales in the rain for 5 minutes before I realized they were rocks. Don't ask; I promise I'm not on drugs.

Following was the USS Constitution, Boston National Historical Park, and Bunker Hill. I can't wait to go back and enjoy all of Boston!

Next stop–York.

Detours

Leaving Boston, I planned to go straight to Acadia National Park in Maine, but the road had much better plans. One of the things I love about traveling alone is if I feel like making a random stop, I can.

I had seen a lighthouse on my route the night before and thought it looked cute to visit. So as I drove up on York, ME, I decided I needed to take the 15-minute detour to go to Cape Neddick to see the Nubble Lighthouse.

WOW! Was that so worth the stop.

As I approached the lighthouse, I couldn't help but think, “This is the cutest little town. I could live here.” In the cold rain, I got out of the car and enjoyed the beautiful view of the lighthouse on an island of its own across the way.

I felt as though I was standing in the scene of a Nickolas Sparks movie or book. A little ocean town with a lighthouse, waves crashing on the rocks, and rain falling from the sky. I couldn't help but feel like Julianne Hough in the movie Safe Haven when she gets to town for the first time. Running for different reasons, but I couldn't help but think, what if I just stopped here and started over where no one knew me?

The perfect little detour.

Again tears, imagine that. Sitting on a rock, freezing as the wind and rain hit me, I realize this part of my life is just a little detour to the future. While I have no idea what that looks like, time will reveal it. That little lighthouse detour taught me one thing. Sometimes God places detours in our lives. Some just happen to be prettier than others.

Next stop–Acadia

Acadia

When I left on this journey, I had a gut feeling I would learn a lot and work through a lot of baggage in the process. I'm just not sure I was fully prepared for all of it.

If you know me, you know there is nothing I hate more than driving in the rain. So for 6 hours, I drove through monsoon weather. If you need a good laugh, my dyslexic self thought that the signs on the road said: "Caution, hydro planting possible in this area," for two hours until I realized they said "hydroplaning," which honestly made more sense.

I finally made it to Acadia, but by this time, it was already dark and still raining. After checking in and meeting ranger Bob, I decided there was no way I could set up my tent. So I got my car set up for sleeping just as the rain stopped.

The following day I woke up, set up my campsite–or what I thought was my campsite–and started my day. There was another lighthouse about a half mile down the road. I stopped and had coffee before spending the day driving the scenic route through the park. There I met two couples who I'd randomly keep running into the rest of the day. I have never run into the same people on any of my trips more than once, which is quite odd. After the 3rd time, they said, "if we see you again, we are buying you a beer."

Unfortunately, I didn't get a free beer. After my coffee, I headed out for the drive.

Acadia absolutely stole my heart. Acadia is an island and a perfect mix of evergreen trees, ocean views, and mountains. Cheyenneville, if there was such a place. The day was overall relaxing, stopping at overlooks, having lunch with the seagulls at Otter Point as I listened to the waves, and finished by enjoying cheesecake and wine in the town of Bar Harbor. Finally, I caught the sunset at the famous Cadillac MT to wrap up the day. Families and friends gathered for picnics and wine as the sun went down. I hadn't planned to watch the sunset that night, but I guess it was another detour God had planned. It warmed my heart to see so many people so happy. At last, I was heading back to cook dinner at my campsite.

Camping alone just felt weird at first. This was my first time camping alone and the first time without a friend in a long time. But over three days, I learned I could do this alone. After cooking my dinner, I made a little cocktail and enjoyed the fire as I journaled.

Burning Ritual

The week was all about healing.

Therefore as I journaled, one of the activities I led myself through was the well-known letter burning ritual. This practice is known to be an excellent way to practice letting go, healing new and old wounds, and releasing emotions. Start by finding a safe place, realize your intentions, get grounded, and then write away!

Here are a few letter examples I did:

1: Hurts, pains, and old wounds

2: Conversations with friends, family, and a few others. Tell your feelings, good and bad. Note: this doesn't mean you shouldn't ever have those hard conversations in the future; this is just a way to work through those feelings until you and the other person are ready.

3: My struggles, fears, and much more. What's holding me back?

4: To myself

There are many other things that you can choose to add to this practice. Once you've written it down, pray over it and burn it. For me, this was a good practice to gently get rid of anger and emotions I had bottled up over time. It was a way to clear my mind, body, and soul. Even though it didn't entirely free me from everything instantly, it certainly helped in the process.

Is this a practice that you have partaken in? Or will in the future?

Oops. Wrong Spot

Morning two, I woke up to a random pink note on my picnic table. Initially, I wondered who on earth would write me a letter. Could it be the random guys at the site next to me? Halfway awake, I rolled out of my tent and grabbed the note which stated, "It seems as though you have come in after registration hours. Please register this morning at the rangers station." Ummm, excuse me, no ranger Bob checked me in two nights ago. I ran to the restroom and returned, only to realize I was an idiot. Clearly, I set up on the wrong site this whole time!

D32, not D33. OMG, how did no one tell me the previous day? Embarrassed, I walked into the rangers station to explain the mistake, and it was none other than ranger Bob there to greet me. Laughing at my mistake, he told me it happens and to move sites when I can. I went back to move only to find half of someone's tent on my new site. The French family next to me was drying out their tent. You try explaining to French people that you are at the wrong spot. Not an easy task at 7 am. just saying.

After getting all set up at my site, I already talked to too MANY people that morning. I went to my car for a change of clothes and coffee supplies only to realize… Somehow, without noticing, I only had one boob in my bra! Talk about absolutely embarrassing! Not to mention I couldn't hide from all those people; we were all living in the woods for the week. I learned that maybe I should pay a little closer attention to details.

Cadillac Mountain

The day prior, a couple I had met recommended that I hike Precipice. Ranger Bob laughed as I told him (we became good friends) and said only if I have a death wish. I don't know who these people thought I was, but they are crazy to think I could hike that. Look it up; need I say more?

Cadillac Mt South rim was the hike of choice. WOW, JUST WOW! By far the top hike I have ever been on! This trail is a 7.3 mile round trip that leads you through an evergreen forest and rocky terrain to the top of Cadillac Mt with a spectacular 360-degree view. After about mile one, you break through the trees to look behind you and see a phenomenal view of the mountains surrounded by the ocean.

As I first broke through the trees and looked behind me, I was left breathless! Pictures do no justice to how perfect the view indeed was. As I continued on my hike, the views left me in awe. I couldn't even believe the beauty surrounding me.

At one point, I took some time and sat on a rock about a mile from the top. While I took in the views, I began to tear up again. At that moment, I realized I knew partly what I needed to do with my life. I wanted to take Live Nomadic to the next level! A lot of that is to come soon. I want to one day lead others on trips much like the one I was on. How many others need trips like this to break through, heal and be for a few days that would benefit from trips organized for them or even groups?

Looking out and standing on top of that mountain, camping with fellow adventurists, and experiencing the moment made me feel whole for the first time in a very long time. It felt like HOME. I felt more me on that moment than I had in a VERY long time. I was the Cheyenne I knew I wanted to be on that mountain. I realized what I truly want in life and so much more! Not just with Live Nomadic but life as a whole. Now it's just getting there and rebuilding what's broken in order to, which is the hard part.

Taking it All In

If I could have stayed in Acadia forever, I probably would have. Shenandoah National Park has consistently ranked first for me, but Acadia took it over. One last evening in Acadia and I took it all in. Sitting next to the fire, I closed my eyes, shut off my brain, and listened. The smell and sound of the fire crackling, crickets chirping, the scent of ocean breeze mixed with evergreens, waves hitting the shore in the distance, the sound of the lighthouse bells, and the little laughter from fellow campers. If I could bottle up that feeling of just being in the moment right then and there, I would have.

I was sad that my time there was coming to a close. The full moon peeking through the treetops made the night perfect. There is something so peaceful, relaxing, and freeing about spending a week in the hiking/camping community. Truthfully I believe it's because that facade doesn't exist there. We are all there with similar passions and goals. Although, of course, it could be that none of us had showers all week, LOL.

But truthfully, I felt so welcome and cared about by all these strangers who almost seemed like friends. The conversations were easy, and everyone was so lovely and helpful. At one point, a girl behind me in line the night before buying food walked by and was like, "Hey girl! What's up?!" as if we were best friends, but I'd never even spoken a word to her. Everyone was just so real and in their natural state. I can't even describe the feeling of being there. You'll just have to go and feel it for yourself.

Final thoughts from that night as I stared at the moon. I was reminded of something a pastor once said: "Just as the moon reflects the sun, we need to be a reflection of the Son." That's something I can improve significantly on. More of Him and less of me.

He's given me so much and while I struggle to see what He's doing right now, He has a plan.

Sunrise

On my final morning in the National Park, I decided I wanted to make it a good one. As my alarm went off before the sun even rose, I asked myself if sunrise was worth it. Not going to lie, as I stood up from my tent, my legs didn't want to move from the day before. I went down to the water with my cup of coffee as the sun came up over the rocks, and my heart burst with joy from how beautiful it was. So perfect, I forgot how cold it was sitting there. I've never seen a sunrise so perfect in all my life.

Even though my time there was wrapping up, I'd be heading back to the real world in a few days after being reminded of something. Even though I'm not okay right now, I'm working on healing and it takes time. Time will heal! Everything is going to be okay.

The biker on the side of the road said it best "It's another beautiful start to another perfect day." Wow. He was so right! Even though some days are better than others, they are all perfect and beautiful in their own ways. Creating us and shaping us into who we are supposed to be.

Next stop–NYC

NYC Part 2

After packing up, I headed to NYC for dinner with an old friend. I love having the ability to stop in to see friends as I pass through their cities on my travels. This time it happened to be my 1st friend in kindergarten, who I might add, is doing amazing things in the fashion world in NYC. It felt so good to be able to catch up! We chatted over Indian tacos (an odd concept but very good) and then walked around the city. Little did we know God was bringing us together for a completely different reason. Without too much detail, we both unknowingly were going through very similar situations, and we were able to talk and process those situations together. What even are the chances? I truly believe God brought us together for a reason: to heal and help each other. SO COOL! I can't wait to visit and explore the city even more together. Alison, if you're reading this, I love you girl and thank you.

Final thoughts on NY: If you can drive through NYC, you can drive anywhere. Checking out the city lights and the statue of liberty from Freedom park is just perfect. Not going to lie, as I watched the planes go around the twin tower memorial beams, I cried as I stood there two days before the anniversary. A day I will never forget. If you get the chance to stop and see an old friend DO IT!

Next, Ocean City, MD

Girls Weekend

I don't have much to say about the girl's weekend other than it was TONS of fun. However, I do want to thank my bestie Bella for the invite. Bella, if you're reading this, I just want you to know your invitation meant the world to me. A few weeks before my trip, I reached out to Bella to see if she would be around as I passed through Hagerstown on my way home. I wasn't expecting the text I received back, but the joy it brought to my heart was unexplainable. She said she would be in OC for the girls' weekend but that it would be cool if I came too. Something I don't talk about but truly had been struggling with was never being invited to places. I always feel like I'm the planner, not the one invited. But at that moment she asked me to join her family, which meant the world to me! Thank you Bella for letting me join in on girls' weekend; it meant the world to me. I love you lots! God knew I needed that and before the trip was over, my "sisters" were calling and inviting me on other trips as well. Just another random healing moment on my journey.

Next, Assateague National Shoreline.

Last Minute Score

The evening before I left OC I told myself if an oceanside campsite opened up last minute on Assateague National Shoreline I was going to snag it. Would you believe it?! One site happened to have a cancellation for a spot closest to the ocean! HECK YEAH! It had been my dream since I first visited over a year ago to camp on the beach with the wild horses!

I arrived just as the sun set to get my site set up. As I finished setting up, I looked up from my tent only to see a harvest moon, perfectly orange, shining brightly over the ocean. What a PHENOMENAL ending to the perfect trip! The wind almost took my tent, and some friendly people offered camp supplies to help me out. So sweet. My fire that night wouldn't start, but a little voice told me to sit. Sit and just be. Just be and pray over everything. So I did.

Final stop–DC, Great Falls, and Hagerstown

Final Day

I woke up on the morning of my final day only to find sunrise and wild horses outside my tent. It was like waking up in a dream. I had to pinch myself.

Sitting on the beach and drinking my morning coffee, I had one last thing I felt I needed to do.

Though a friend told me not to, and probably against my better judgment, I sent some messages. Some thank yous, and I'm sorry messages. Responses were not what I'd hoped, but what did I expect? At least I closed that door and tried. Honestly, after the week I had, it didn't hurt as bad.

I packed up and headed to my final stop. I had planned a great day for myself in DC, but the lack of parking caused me to be late for everything. But that's okay. I had a nice lunch at a cafe, took a little stroll, and spent some time at the Great Falls National Park. I capped off the trip by having a drink at sunset at the Lincoln Memorial, which turned into watching planes because of the clouds.

The perfect ending.

Before heading home, I finished the night and trip by saying hi to my friends in Hagerstown.

Overall Takeaways

Throughout my trip, I learned a lot. Here are the takeaways:

1. Silence speaks louder than words: whether it be the silence around you or the silence from others, silence can speak volumes.

2. Unplug! You will never understand the media's hold on you until you unplug from it. Deleting media and turning my phone off for the week is the best healing I could have ever done.

3. Just Go! Escape the world for just a minute. Don't tell people; just do it. Honestly, you will thank me later for that one. (Disclosure: at least tell one or two people, so they know where you are)

4. Meet up with friends when you can. You never know how much advice they will have to offer you, so don't pass up the opportunity.

5. Healing takes time. Figure out what you need to do to heal and do it.

6. Every day is perfect; you should enjoy it.

7. God knows what He's doing, and there IS a reason for it.

8. Maybe you aren't supposed to know the answers

9. Find what makes you, you.

10. Experience the moment.

Most of all, God has bigger and better plans always!

During my trip, I learned and worked through a lot with myself. ‘

This blog is my transparency and getting rid of the facade. Truthfully, there is a lot more I'm probably dealing with and learned that I didn't mention, but this is a start. Am I wholly healed, or do I know what's next? By no means, it's hopefully just a step in the right direction. My bags remain packed, and my rooms a mess because the reality is I'm not ready to unpack. But I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my life.

I still hope and pray to have conversations with those who've hurt me, and I, too, have hurt because those people genuinely mean the world to me. I miss them so bad it hurts. I hope to find the answers and the truths. I hope to rebuild relationships. I hope those people I’m missing will one day return. I hope to start something new. I hope to lead others to experience what I experienced on this trip. AND I hope to rebuild ME.

It's time to let the past be the past and work on the future.

Because, my friends, I'm breaking through the facade.