What are you running from?

We all have those moments in life where a particular moment strikes a chord and reminds us of something in our past. Whether it's a street sign, a phrase you hear, or even a smell in the air. A few months back, I was going through some rough times in my life, and one memory, in particular, kept popping up. It would pop up in the name of a street, a National park, a worship song, an outfit, simple conversations, and the biggest one… running (yes, running) kept reminding me of this memory. So I'd asked God why he often put those particular memories in my path. His answer was, "what are you running from?"

Okay, wow, that's deep…

It took time, but I realized He was teaching me something and continues to use that moment to reflect on my own life and brokenness. I was running and didn't even fully realize it.

But what was I running from? Before I explain, let me take you back to the moment it takes me.

A day that feels like just yesterday but at the same time a lifetime ago. I was finishing up what would be my last week of summer at the mission where I was working. The day started like any other; little did I know it would turn into one of the most impactful days of my life. Earlier in the summer, a little girl came to us at camp. She had just recently entered her foster home along with her siblings. Before this summer, they had never been to a pool and had no idea how to swim. But, throughout the summer, Shy grew a love for swimming. She would rarely get out of the pool when asked. Whenever I'd walk by the side where she was swimming, I'd hear "Cheyenne watch this" for the most simple bob under the water or jump every kid would show me 5000 times. But one day, at the end of summer, I learned it's more than that. It was like a child showing their parent that they could do something and was looking for approval and praise. The day I realized that was one of the most heartbreaking ones.

While fixing a broken-down bus, I got a broken-up radio conversation that I could barely understand. So I went back to campus to figure out precisely what was happening. Little did I know the brokenness I was about to encounter. As I approached Shy, I could tell it wasn't the Shy I had grown to know but the hurt, scared child deep within her heart. I had two choices: I could go away, as Shy had just yelled for me to do, or approach her.

The first option sounded great because I did not feel like running or making it worse, but the second was what God was pulling me to do. Imagine that! As she ran away, I followed her at a distance hoping she'd slow down, but once I realized she was getting way too far, I knew I had to catch her. So, I began my sprint by radioing the other staff to stay in eyeshot. As I reached Shy and she collapsed into the fetal position on my lap, I could feel my heart ripping into pieces as she wept. Everyone could hear her sobs from a far distance. I was struggling to hold my tears for her inside. As a couple slipped away from me, I wiped them and asked God to give me the words to say. Trust me that is what He did because by no means what I said to her came from me but only straight from him.

One thing I have never been a comforter when someone is crying, and in that moment, God equipped me with that ability. The words began to flow repeatedly: "I've got you Shy….. It's you and me….. Right here, right now, I'm here for you. Shy, you're safe here with me. You can tell me anything. Are you hurting, sad, or did someone say something to you (and more questions, the answer always being no)? You're okay. Trust me; I've got you…. It's you and me, Shy. Take my hand, and let's go back to camp together. I'm here for you." Eventually, the crying stopped, and we sat there. She was soaked with tears, sweat, and snot. "When you're ready, take my hand and together, we will take that step and go back. You are not alone; I'm with you. Just take my hand when you're ready." After 2 hours, Shy looked up at me with the most beautiful brown eyes and said, "can we go get a pop?" I stood up and reached out my hand and said, "yes! Take my hand, and together we will go to my car, get a dollar and a pop". She grabbed my hand, stood up, reached for me to carry her, and hugged me to the pop machine. There is a song called 'Out Of Hiding,' and it says:

Come out of hiding. You're safe here with Me

There's no need to cover what I already see

You've got your reasons, but I hold your peace

You've been on lockdown, and I hold the key

Because I loved you before you knew what love was

I saw it all; still, I chose the cross

You were the one that I was thinking of

When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, My victory is yours

I tore the veil for you to come close

There's no reason to stand at a distance anymore

You're not far from home

I'll be your lighthouse when you're lost at sea

I will illuminate everything

No need to be frightened by intimacy

Just throw off your fear and come running to me

I learned that what I was saying to Shy is what Christ says to us every day. "Trust me; I've got you… it's you and me. Take my hand." Run to Him.

Years later, God placed this memory in my path to teach me something again. As I was living in Florida for spring training, there was a street sign and a national park with Shy's last name. A few times, the little girl I live with would run when upset, and she had a very similar pink sweatshirt dress as Shy wore that day. Each reminds me of that day.

There were four things I realized I was running from fear, love, myself, and most of all, God. Unfortunately, life got pretty bad, this past fall and winter, and several events led me into a significant depression. Things seemed to keep taking me down between an old job, issues with someone, lies that filled my head from different situations, past hurts, etc.

Fear can tend to have a way of crippling us. It can stop us in our tracks and keep us from moving forward. I feared failure and the lies that come with it. You're not good enough, and you're never going to be good enough—the fear of what others think of me, change, and the past. At moments I feared that I was alone, that no one cared about me, and that I was losing my closest friend(s)—all of these fears led to more significant issues.

Because of things happening in my life, I began feeling incredibly unloved, unwanted, and alone. I began Isolating myself and pushing people out because of one situation (honestly probably stemmed deeper than that). I went from wanting to share the love with everyone to not loving. Why show love when you don't feel it in return. My heart began to harden. The thought of being open or vulnerable with people was off the table. How could I ever trust anyone if those I trust the most hurt me?

As my mind drifted into all the lies I was telling myself, I began running from myself. Who I was and who I wanted to be. My identity was lost, and I needed to figure out who I was again. I was running from that person. The person I know I am deep down inside.

Everything I was running from ultimately led me to run from God. I didn't want to listen to Him, go to church, study the word, and even talk about Him. I questioned why He was making me feel the way I was, why I was dealing with things, and much more.

The reality is, at some point, enough is enough, and we end up in the same position as Shy—fetal position on the floor, waiting for someone to reach out and help us. Sometimes it's a process to get back up and walk again. I'm honestly still working on getting back up. Sometimes there are setbacks, and it is like everything is normal again at others. With everything, it's a process. Mine started with admitting I was not okay; I was broken. Then, I had to start working on myself and step out of my comfort zone. I needed to have some tough conversations. I met strangers in a snowstorm (long story, just read my Pablo and Aboss blog), learned how to love myself before I could love others again, be true to myself and who I am, I'm never alone, and started a new job. Finally, I realized I needed to grab HIS hand and let Him help me; the rest would follow.

Am I back to where I was? Not by any means! It's a work in progress. Thankfully, transparency with a few people and a wild experience with a new pastor at a new church helped me because I couldn't have gotten to where I am at this point without them. In addition, the small reminders and Shy's story have played an enormous role in where I am now. Had I never realized I was running, I'm not sure I would have stopped.

We are all running from something in our lives at some point. It was fear, hurt, anger, and maybe even herself for Shy. Fear, love, myself, God, and basically everything for me. For you? Perhaps it's something else. The truth is we can't keep running. Instead, we need to change the direction in which we are running. It can be uncomfortable to admit that we are hurting, broken, lost, and need help. But I encourage you to find that person you can be completely vulnerable with, whether a friend or God and be open with them even when it's not easy. Be completely vulnerable and honest with yourself too! That is probably one of the hardest things to do. Trust me; we can't go through this life alone. We all need someone to lean on. Whatever you are running from, pause and examine the truth. Come out of hiding; you are safe, throw off your fear and run to Him!

What are you running from, and who is that person today you can reach out to for help?